Spinning a Yarn
We were surrounded at home by print media when we were youngsters: the Kansas City Star newspaper, the National Geographic, Time Magazine and Reader’s Digest among the favorites. A small local weekly called “The Dispatch” handled news for all the northland; mainly Platte and Clay counties. It was always a thrill to see your name listed, usually due to athletic activities. I never deserved any mention when it came to various accolades for academics.
I spent a lot of time in doctors' offices while growing up: the occasional broken bone, a few stitches now and again plus the common cold. An accidental overdose while playing in the medicine cabinet as a child sent me to the hospital, blue skinned and unresponsive when they found me. The lack of oxygen may account for my current demeanor and delusions.
The dentist and I were also on a first name basis; cracked teeth and cavities being the primary culprits. Eventually it was the orthodontist who took over, aligning and straightening the large ivories that seemed to grow uninhibited.
And during all these visits to the medical practitioners, I became fond of two magazines, one called “Highlights for Children” and the other being “Boy’s Life.”
In “Highlights,” there was an endearing piece called “Goofus and Gallant.” Goofus was the irritating irresponsible little scallywag who was impulsive, impolite and reckless. He was constantly either in trouble or out looking for it. The author made it very clear that these actions did not garner any favors with the adults.
The other character – Gallant, was the poster child for well-behaved young gentlemen: impeccable manners, socially acceptable hygiene and a strong moral code. Behaviors such as these – or at least a really good effort, would be acknowledged and rewarded. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out which was best. Goofus rarely thought things through. Gallant knew how to navigate the edges of the abyss without falling in.
“Boy’s Life” was a periodical in conjunction with the Boy Scouts of America. It had articles of youthful heroism, adventurous endeavors and tips on enjoying the wilds of the woods. It was also more of a vicarious release for me, imagining the experiences my brother and I were going to miss. We joined the Scouts and tried to elevate our rank – halfheartedly, but after a few months and a few near death pranks gone horribly wrong, we were told not to return.
My tastes have evolved in regards to my reading material. Currently I’m partial to “National Review,” “Smithsonian” and “Nebraskaland.” I gave a noteworthy attempt to a couple of East coast elite publications – namely “The Atlantic” and “The New Yorker,” but their constant and consistent references to Greek mythology, historical geopolitical maneuverings and Shakespeare turned me off.
The other half of our household is partial to “People,” and I’ve learned to refrain judgement. It serves a purpose with its entertainment news and other tales of mystery and intrigue, plus the crossword puzzle is an ego boost in its simplicity. So yes, I admit, I thumb through it on occasion. The births and obits column offers a trite amount of satisfaction.
The glib and out-of-touch “Celebrity Quotes” irritate me, ranging from complete and total narcissism to the abhorrent abandonment of reality. Just this week, some married gal is discussing her experimentation of polyamory (multiple intimate relationships) and the joy thereof. Nope!
Coincidentally enough, “National Review” has an expose on the ills of such a practice and the decline of civilizations wherever it has been accepted in prior societies several millennia distant. God’s plan is God’s plan and man best not alter it.
Whenever it all begins to become too much, I escape to the small town papers and their versions of their “Bygone Years” section.
Clem Olhausen broke an axle on his Model A Ford while visiting his second cousin twice removed and got stuck. Ernest Bauerwilly pulled him out with his mule team and towards town for repair. Ernest hadn’t bothered to warn Clem that the mules had digestive issues; overindulging in the alfalfa patch the day prior and that standing clear a good option. Clem rinsed himself off in Ziegenfelds pond before reaching the city limits.
